Its when I see you sound asleep That I berate myself You are so calm, at peace and deep inside another realm I’m lonely with your heart right there Beating by my side Somewhere away, your soul drifts out Without me into night So when I wake you, tickling toes tugging on your ear Bugging you to look at me, please know it’s just I fear That you will leave me one day Not to dream but live away With someone else in mind And in the panic I just need Your eyes to fix on mine
How crafty, I seem. But I do not recall it quite that way.
Around the corner you might find him, they said to me. Turn the right or left and there he will be Cautiously I inched around each turn that came about For fear that a pair of eyes and lips would wipe me clear out
There was no corner when I saw you Just the bones of trees reaching to sky The brown and gold of burnt grass lost to summer With clouds ashen blue bearing no lie
Honey gold, ice blue you smiled They flocked to you, bees to flower Children to sugar, and all the while…
Roots became of my feet, Whispers buzzed in my ears, The triple flap of a hummingbird’s wing where my heart used to be
All that time wasted, peeking around corners But it was the trees that hid you, the clouds that gave you asylum Attacked without warning, I was An ambush
Run, said my mind, rational where the rest of me set to fire Run, for there he is. There he is there is he is.
Mister Right.
I am glad I tore the roots of my feet from the earth, Spun on my heel and set to fleeing For while you were Mister Right
it’s tuesday and we’re drunk anyway and our ankles are in the pond and my back is flat against the dock and you are looking down at me while i tell you sad things. i close my eyes and spill out secrets because once they rise in me i can’t stop them until they bubble past my teeth.
“it happened,” i say, “and then it kept happening.” i find a laugh in my chest where i know there shouldn’t be. sometimes i pretend i’m an anchor because there’s a difference between sinking and drowning. i peek one eye open to you, where you’re frowning.
you don’t say anything. i worry i’ve gone too far. told you too much, and now you’ll see i’m a project and you’ll leave. you’ll untie the boat. you’ll leave me stranded in the storm. all that cliche shit everybody writes about but hurts worse than words know. because people leave, and leave, and leave, you know?
“it’s good!” i blurt, because i can’t stand the silence, i sit up quickly, i splash my feet, i pull funny like a blanket up and around me, “shit happens. what doesn’t kill me made me a bitch on wheels.” and shit happens. it happens until it crawls down your throat and just when it would be better to die, you get a breath in instead of choke. shit happens and you wake up and it happens and you go to sleep and it feels like the same shit, all grey and ugly and the underbelly of the beast, shit happens but you can’t talk about it because otherwise, people know, and you can’t show other people you’re weak.
but you’re not laughing. i ruined whatever we have. your lips twist to the side. i try untalking, unmaking the mistake, coiling back up all the useless garbage about my dumb life which isn’t even that bad, i’m just whiny. “i’m good now,” i say, “i’m okay,” i say, “it sucked at the time but now im fine,” and i say it, because the lie feels right, but i hate the way your face looks, like you’re trying to see under my skin, like now that you know you can’t un-know. like you’ve solved the problem and the equation reveals that i’m a piece of shit.
“i’m sorry,” you say instead. “that shouldn’t have happened.”
i bark a laugh, try to talk, but you shake your head. cut me off. “no,” you say, “i’m here if you ever want to talk.” you keep searching with those wide eyes so i gotta look anywhere else, anywhere else, down to the fish and the water, down and down, away from the only thing i haven’t figured out how to laugh about, away from the glow of you and the warmth that radiates now, away from this terrible truth you’re weaving between us, “i love you,” you say, “i’m glad it didn’t kill you but it shouldn’t have happened that way.”
oh no. oh god. oh god, wouldn’t it have just been easier if you had waved it all off. can’t we just make a joke and move along. oh god, oh no, not this, not love. i can’t handle it. i’m not strong enough.
“i love you,” you repeat while i’m stifling a sob. you put one hand out on my shoulder. i want to cut my own hands off. “what happened to you,” you say, and it sounds like an alarm, “was terrible, and you didn’t deserve it, and it was entirely wrong.”
i don’t know how to handle this. i don’t know where to go if you’re telling me i don’t deserve it when the crumbling hits. i don’t know what to do but buckle down and survive it. because what comes next if you’re right. what if you don’t leave my side. what if i wake up one day and shit happened again just as it started to all go right. what if i wake up and the truth is that i did nothing to deserve this shitty old life.
“it’s okay,” you say. “you’re going to be alright.”
What if I wake up and the truth is that i did nothing to deserve this shitty old life
When you’ve got a song stuck in your head
That you’ve never heard before.
That’s when you’ll know I’m speaking to you,
In a language just for us.
Loving you is like
The kind of fear I long for
Awful, wonderful.
And in the dark the sky sparkles with freckles, and through the black I feel myself ache shackled
Who are you dear, oh please come here
Let me kiss where the agonies crackle
Ink Child Writing 